This life

Date: 25 October 2010 06:14
Topic: This life
Awake. It’s 6am and I’m in York, at my parents’ with my children, in my old bedroom in a traditional two-up two down terrace house near to the station.

This is the house I grew up in and was desperate to leave from aged 16. I got out and against all the odds and being equipped with only a secondary education managed to make something of myself. It was hard, but there are many more people I know whose childhood was much worse than mine. We were poor, but at least there was some kind of loving, and it’s only by coming a parent that I realise the problems my mum and dad went through. I gave them a hard time, but t could have turned out much worse, in the end they are proud of me and I of them.

Back in York this weekend I went to a reunion, loosely based on the music scene in the city in the 80s for all those that hung out at the Roxy nightclub. The evening was a reminder of why I had to leave and do something with my life. At the time there were a lot of Goths, I was never a Goth and I didn’t really identify with many of the musicians, we were more indie/punks.

The reunion was full of ageing Goths and a mx of the weird and wonderful that made it a very vibrant scene back in the 80s. It was good to catch up, there were some genuinely interesting and good people that I enjoyed chatting to. Many were still locked in their own little worlds, some still chasing the dream and you could tell they hadn’t travelled far - spiritually, emotionally, creatively.


I had this theory that York with its walls and narrow streets is almost like a prison, it locks you in. It’s a lovely city, a great place to live - lots going on so why leave? I am immensely proud of where I come but i always possessed a knowledge that to make something of my life I had to leave my hometown - take a risk, the same way as Joyce and Beckett had to leave Dublin.

I am now on the verge of taking another risk with my life, I really don’t know how it will turn out, but coming back home gives me strength because I remember the times when I had nothing and there really was nothing to lose. These days my circumstances are different, I have children, responsibilities, and I wonder if in my own way I am still chasing a dream?


Can I ever change anything, would it be better if I had stayed in York led a quiet life, being content with my lot? People I met the other night appeared content - was that through ignorance or choice?

I don’t know, I can only speak for myself on this matter. I have made this life and this life has made me, it’s the only one I’ve got so I better make the best of it.