Totally crap, but good crap..

This blog is turning into a monthly, instedad of a daily. I'm going to have to change the format after writing it for over a year now. The blog was supposed to be a journal of the writing of my book, and it's been a useful tool and has been a motivation in itself. The book is still very much alive, although I'm not getting as much time and head space to devote to it as I would like.

I've just finished an intense period at work and hopefully things will quiten down a bit. I'm also involved in a court case with an ex landlord regarding a deposit. Gathering evidence etc has been hugely time consuming but I intend to win the case so I have got to put in the effort. I'm actually looking forward to the case as he is a crook and an arsehole and I intend to have him.

My son has started playing rugby and it's a joy to go and watch him practice. I bought him hia kit at the weekend and he was totally made up. I also worked on my vegetable patch, planted some leeks, which was satisfying. At the moment I'm trying to get finance for a car - and I've almost cleared all my debts, which is an achievement.

Watched The Descent at the weekend - a horror film about six women potholing in north carolina, or some godforsaken place. Totally crap, but good crap..

Beowulf

After three weeks' leave I'm now back at work and entering another busy, but exciting time. The magazine I work on is being redesigned and we're switching publishing software, which means I'm training for the rest of the week. Apart from the first week when the children were still at school I didn't really get a chance to write, but I didn't get too stressed. My energy was focussed on the children and we had a brilliat time last week camping on the Devon coast. It was a first for all of us and it proved a great holiday. The highlight of which was catching mackerel and cooking it for breakfast on the last morning.

This morning I was back on the train jostling for a seat, but managed to write, it is my best and only time and if I can manage two hours a day while I commute then I'm happy. On holiday I picked up an old copy of Beowulf, which I've read once but enjoying it again. The structure of the old english poem is interesting - ie time is irrelevant and is not in any chronological order. I also watched David Lynch's Mullholland Drive which has the same diachronic treatment and is an inspiration for my own writing.

It's good to be back in London, the city always inspires me.

A work in progress...56

The children have been off school so not much time to devote to writing this week. The heat in southern england has been intolerable so even on a night, when the kids finally go to bed, it's been impossible to work and we've been going to bed early. I have mangaed to do a bit of revising and I have written a press release for my friend Al's new album, which he is happy with. I managed to go swimming on friday, but no time for yoga. It's been full on with the kids and it's been fun. We've been to the beach, cinema (Pirates of the Carribean 2), park to play football and on a long bicyle ride in the country. Next week I'm taking them camping on my own in Devon, we've begged, borrowed and bought the gear and we're really looking forward to it. It's only for four days and is very much a trial to see if we can rough it!
I'm going into London tomorrow to hear a preview of Al's album and also check some proofs of the redesign for the magazine. I'm back at work the following monday and hope to resume my writing.
I'm trying to get a copy of Balzac's Unamed Masterpiece and have been listening to Schoenberg. The writing is still very much alive, time, as always, is the problem.

A work in progress...55

Another month has gone by - it's really hard to believe. I'm now on three week's leave and at the moment the kids are still at school so I'm having a quiet week, writing, practising yoga and gardening, although the latter is somewhat restricted by the heatwave. It's as hot as Hong Kong in Britain at the moment and there is no AC.

I went to Totnes in devon with my wife last weekend. She had an exhibition and part of my novel is set in the town so it was good for research. It's a beautiful town with a new-age feel to it and we both agreed we'd like to live down there.

I'm going to Liverpool and Manchester this weekend on a press junket for the British Open; I'm not into golf, but the trip sounds good and I get sometime to checkout liverpool. I'm planning to go camping with the kids for a week and when I get back to work i have to redesign the magazine. I maybe getting a payrise and promotion this year.

Tonight is a school performance of Joseph which both my kids are in. I'm still trying to get finance for a decent car and am trying to sort my finances out. Homelife is OK and for the time being I don't think I'll be moving out.

At the moment I'm listening to stockhausen and schoenberg for inspiration while I write. Brian Wilson's Smile is also back on the playlist, it's a brillant album for the summer.

My friend Al's album is almost complete and I'm looking forward to hearing it; he wants me to write a press release for him; which shouldn't be a problem. I'm taking my ex-landlord to court to get back my deposit; I'm fairly confident and am looking forward to the case. If I win I'll get over a thousand pounds, which will help the finances. This afternoon I'm going with my wife to salisbury, our last chance to do soemthing togther before the school holidays.

I do want to go to London and see the Kandinsky exhibition at the Tate and see a play - the life of galileo.

A work in progress...54

Almost a month since my last blog, I can't believe it. Work has been especially manic and I've had to do lots of extra hours this month working on a special report on a government briefing. It goes to press tomorrow and then there's just the magazine to do, which goes to press on June 29, my birthday and I can pretty much take all of july off.

I got a good critique back from Helen, my writer friend on my work, and have been busy working on the novel afater a break of a couple of weeks. It's definitely taking shape although I still don't know where it's going. I have as a template Jack Kerouac's the Subterraneans, a book I read about 20 years ago, which focuses on a brief, intense relationship. My writing is really opening up, but the hardest things is keeping it taut.

My firends Al and Elizabeth have had a daughter called Alicia, so apart from one visit to see the baby I haven't seen much of them. They need sapce and time to re-adjust as parents.
There's talk of going to see the Who in Hyde Park on July 2 with Al, which might be fun. I'm also going down to Totnes for my wife's exhibition the week after. Part of the book is set in Totnes so it will be good for research.

I'm watching bits of the world cup, but can't get excited by england, they are going to fall short yet again - the tournament itself is interesting and I usually have it on in the background on an evening as I'm writing.

Had some good weekends with the kids - going to the beach and enjoying the sun. Yesterday was father's day and I got cards etc and went to a very pleasant beer garden on the banks of the river Test. I'm trying to sort out my finances and get a decent car for the summer holidays, my wife and me are getting along OK although there's still tension in the home.

Stil, I write, what else can I do?

A work in progress...53

I can't believe it's almost a month since my last post. Quite a lot has happened since then. I've got a new laptop, another Compaq which is quite cool and funky so I will start writing again next week. My nephew Alex is with me in the office for work experience, so he's been travelling in with me on the train so I've had to suspend writing for a couple of weeks. I've also had stuff to write up for work so the writing has taken a back seat for a couple of weeks. I have created a blog for what I've done so far and once I've tweaked the layout I'll go public with it.

I've also sent 11,000 words to my friend Helen who's an author and I'm waiting for her feedback. If it's good I may try a couple of agents. Looks like my case with the evil ex landlord is going to go to court as I've not heard anything from him and when I do I doubt it will be a tempt at any reconcilliation. I'm very confident of my position and would quite look forward to meeting him in court.

Relationship wise, we've hit another rocky patch and there's talk of me moving out. We've been in the house less than 2 months, but things are not working out between my wife and me. I'm resigned to us splitting up.

Watched it's all gone pete tong at the weekend, which was surprisngly good and turned into a warm, human interest story with excellent performances from the lead actors and of course a kickin soundtrack. Also mowed the lawn at the weekend. I hate doing it, it's so surban and middle class and fucking boring.

A work in progress...52

Moved offices at work into a different building, opposite the main one. The move was on the cards but a bit of a surprise, especially because I'm in the middle of some tight deadlines. I have not yet got over moving house.

I've sent correspondence from me and the evil landlord to my solicitor, working on the presumption that attack is the best form of defence. Not had a reply from evil landlord, but I want to take him to the cleaners for the inconvenience and stress is refusal to hand over my deposit has caused us. He is untrustworthy and a despicable character and it galls me to think I paid his fucking mortgage for two years.

I'm trying to do the corrections to my revision notes on a night, but am too tired. I've almost finished the first section and feel the need to get it out there and receive some feedback.

Homelife is again strained, my wife is depressed about things and it making me feel sad and unsatisfied. I'm really not sure what the future holds. At least the kids are secure in their own home and seem happy.

It's payday tomorrow and I have a fiver to my name, nit sure what we're doing at the weekend. Git a yoga practice at lunchtime, I need some positive energy or good news.

A work in progress...51

The easter break proved quite stressful in the end. The landlord of our previous address has decided to keep our deposit and made all kinds of serious allegations about the condition of the property. This was upsetting and inconvenient as we were relying on the money to buy bunk beds for the kids' room. At the moment they are sleeping on mattresses on the floor.
The landlord has a reputation as a complete wanker and is basically greedy and arrogant. We left the property in a better condition than we found it and have an inventory to prove it. I spent most of my spare time drafting a letter to the tosser demanding my £1,000 deposit back. I posted it this morning on my way to the station.
Next the boiler packed in, we went a day without heating or hotwater before I figured out what was wrong with it. A faulty thermostat. We spent a most of the time sorting boxes out and taking more stuff to the tip. Highlight of the weekend was going to see Ice Age 2 and watching the new Dr Who. We also went for a cycle ride which was great - the first time the kids have been on their cycles this year. Drank a lot of wine and didn't get much writing done. I also have speakers rigged up to both computers so was able at least to listen to some music. I also played chess with my son Noah, who's six. He's getting quite good, but cries and sobs when I take his queen. I keep telling him it's to show him the moves, but he doesn't understand. In a year he'll be whipping my ass.
Work is busy, and we've been told we're moving offices tomorrow, righ in the middle of deadlines. Great.

A work in progres...50

Opened up my laptop on the train this morning and I got an error message and the bloody thing refused to boot. Christ I'm so sick of it. I can't spend anymore money on the damn thing, I feel like throwing it out of the train window. It maybe something simple, but knowing my luck it's going to be something fucking major. Windows and PCs are so flaky, I'm going to get an ibook if I have to replace it.

I managed to proof out the first 12000 words and I'm slowly reading through it. I'm pleased with the results but maybe need to look at the structure. I wrote it in a cut and paste style, but I don't think it works.

I'm looking forward to the Easter holidays, it means a long weekend and I just want to chill in the new home. Works is busy, but rewarding, and Al, my musician mate, wants a press release writing to launch his debut album. As usual skint and overdrawn, but creatively enriched.

A work in progress...49

Christ, almost a month since my last post, I can't believe I left it so long.

It's been a completely manic four weeks. We moved into the new house at the weekend, which was stressful and utterly exhausting. The move itself went OK, but we've moved from a three-bedroomed place which we were renting to a two-bedroomed house which we have bought.

The kids have settled in OK and don't mind sharing a bedroom. We can convert the loft into another bedroom, bu that will be in th future. My wife is tired and stressed, but seems reasonably happy. Hopefully being in her own house will have a calming influence. The cafe gallery has closed and added to the pressure, as she had to clear out all her work a week before we moved. The house is compact, but cosy, and in a quiet street. There is not really anywhere to write, unless I take the shed in the garden, which my wife is eyeing up for a studio.

I got my laptop back, it's super quick with all the shit taken off the HD and the extra memory. I miss the ibook though, which I had on loan from work. The Mac is much cooler and always provokes interest on the train. I found that other mac users also gravitated to me, it is like a community.

Because I can't afford to take anytime off work right now, due to a few special projects and a restructuring of the department, I have managed to keep on writing. I've almost finished revising the first 12,000 words and will look to send it off to a couple of agents and maybe post something on this blog. I also wat to print the poetry collection and do some reading.

The kids are off school for the easter holidays, but I doubt whether I can take any time off. I feel tired and a little bit down with things, I guess it's the pressures of the house and family and also our relationship. There are issues that still need resolving. My wifes birthday and our ninth wedding anniversary came and went as it was in the middle of the move. We don't seem to have any fun anymore, that is one of the main problems.

My only enjoyment is writing. I feel pleased that I've managed to keep on going through everything, it' my release and salvation.

At the moment I'm reading William Burroughs' Naked Lunch. A brilliant read, original and provoking. I'm picking up a lots of things from his style. I'm also reading a book on the Turin shroud, which fingers Da Vinci as the faker. Very interesting.

May look at changing the tone of the blog, start publishing extracts from my book.

We've had lovely spring mornings, London looks all pristine, the days are nice and fresh and people are sat out in the parks on a lunchtime. I do ashtanga yoga twice a week and can realy feel the benefits. The new house is about a 20 minute walk to the station, I may start going on my mountain bike.

A work in progress...48

Met up with James and Nic last night in London. Went for dinner and had a good chat. James gave me a copy of his new single, things are really happening with him on the DJing side. We talked about feature ideas.

Afterwards went around to Al's in Lewisham, he was just back from the studio in wales and was on a creative high. Got up to the usual shenanigans, and listened to some good music - Beatles, dylan and the boss. I had a meeting this morning so didn't get too wasted. Elizabeth was in france so it could have got real messy. Maybe playing drums on a couple of tracks for Al, which will be cool.

Got to continue revising this weekend. Very pleased with the progress so far on the novel.

The children are still ill, so not sure what we're going to do at the weekend. Got Last Days and Wolf Creek to watch.

A work in progress...47

Had a bad cold over the weekend so didn't do much writing. I'm busy revising the first 10,000 words and like what I've written so far. I've got the work laptop for another week and may have my own back by the weekend. The computer will reboot with XP Home, but not Pro , which is what it was installed with. Very bizarre.

I've been drilling the kids all weekend for their sponsored spell and I'm reading them Roald Dhal's The Wicthes on a nighttime, which is scaring the pants off them. We had a good day together yesterday as my wife was at a dance workshop all day. I couldn't take them swimming as promised, due to my cold, but we did go out for lunch.

My wife was also unwell and went to bed early on saturday night. I stayed up and watched A Clockwork Orange. The film usually makes me depressed, but this time I watched it for its artistic merits. Forget the violence this is a beautiful film, I hadn't realised Beethoven's Ninth played such an important part of the film. I have been listening to this piece of music quite a lot recently and it made the film all the more powerful for me.

I also watched Nil By Mouth, another unforgiving British film that pulls no punches. Ray Winstone is terrrifying as the out of control geezer beating up everyone he comes into contact with. Gary Oldman's script and direction is brutally authentic. Depressingly brilliant and inspiring.

A work in progress..46

Twenty-two-and-a-half-thousand words written. A third of the book.

Going to continue writing, but also edit and revise what I've got and maybe send the first 10,000 words out to a few people. I had to go to a function at the South African High Commission on tuesday. I had about an hour to kill so I was wandering around the West End and found Brown's bar. It's very posh and exclusive, also expensive, but I was able to sit in this lovely whicker armchair in a quiet corner and write. The waitresses kept me refreshed with Leffe beer and it was all rather civilised. It felt as though I was in the Far East again.

I've started reading WS Burroughs' The Naked Lunch. After reading Ulysses (which I have not finished, but will go back to) Burroughs' prose is frighteningly coherent. I'm reading it for the structure, or lack of it. I've read so many books over the past 14 months, devouring all sorts of material.

Sam Beckett is the feature of a special season at the Barbican. I'm going to get a couple of tickets for Waiting for Godot. Never seen the play but studied the text for A Level. There is much to learn from him - his use of language and dialogue. I keep thinking of the play as I write.

The more i write the more confident I get and the better my writing becomes. I can see it evolving before my eyes. It's quite scary at times how stuff just comes out, as if I have no control over it.

A work in progress...45

Put the magazine to bed and signed off the pages today. Stayed at Al and Elizabeth's last night and predictably it all got messy. Al was in the doghouse this morning because he had to catch an early train to York. Elizabeth's six months' pregnant and was not impressed with our behaviour. Apart from caining 10 bottles of Kronenberg and Belgian beer, we also drank a full bottle of sherry, I can still taste the sickly stuff. We also smoked several joints and got completely trashed. Got to bed at 3am. Not good, but managed to get into work for 10am and had a bacon and egg sandwich from the canteen and several coffees.

Al had a copy of Pete Townshend performing Lifehouse on DVD, which we watched. What a fantastic gig, it reminded me of, and is on a par with, Brian Wilson's smile. Townshend played acoustic and was backed by the BBC orchestra. I saw him as an inspirational artist and for the first time realised how restrictive The Who were/are for his talents. But he's also a rocker and can do it solo and The Who undoubtedly gave him energy and a release. The fact that he didn't go crazy, as Brian Wilson did over Smile, is testament to the support he got from within the who - which led of course to the brilliant Who's Next album.

It transported me back to the 70s when we used to listen to Townshend's solo album Who Came First, a place I was happy to be as a lot of my writing at the moment, the poetry collection, is set in the 70s. Elizabeth also had a print of a kandinsky picture on the shelf which in my stoned state I became transfixed with. I'm into colour at the moment and I'm learning a lot by studying Kandinsky.

Invetiably we put Rough Mix and revelled in our performance at The Spotted Cow, circa 1988, with much mutual backslapping and reminiscing. Andy Reid was in our thoughts . Al played some of his own songs he's demoing next week in a studio in Wales. In the context of the evening the songs sounded good, he just needs the confidence and balls to deliver a strong vocal performance like he did all those years ago at The Cow. I'm sure he has it in him and look forward to hearing the results.

This is only writing I'll achieve today. On the train I'll veg out and read a profile of Samuel Beckett in a magazine. I also need to get a new auto pencil a Drafix. I'm very close to finishing the first section of the book and can't wait to go back to ot.

My wife tells me a copy of Naked Lunch has arrived. This could provide the final piece of the jigsaw and hopefully help with structuring the book. I'm still reading Ulysses, it takes a smuch effort as writing my own book. I've given up trying to work it out, I just read each page at a time and get lost in the beauty of the language and admire its audaciousness.

Looks like we'll be moving next month. My plan is to be mortgage free in two years. Looking forward to the weekend, would like to go and see Capote at the cinema. My son is having his postponed birthday party - I have to make a treasure map.

A work in progress...44

Deadline week this week on the magazine, so things are a bit hectic.

Still managing to write and working on a crucial scene where the first two characters meet. I'm enjoying writing dialogue and am able to keep the tension between the two would be lovers just right.

I managed to do quite a bit of writing at the weekend, where I mainly set the scene. The children are all well and are back at school. My daughter has been told she must wear glasses, which has caused a drama. I've told her that all writers wear glasses, so she asked why didn't I then. Sometimes she sits next to me at the kitchen table and writes her stories as I work on my laptop. She inspires me.

The house looks as though it will go through, we're desperate to move and It maybe the fresh start that wee need. I'm going to be mortgaged up to my eyeballs, but my plan is to be mortgage free in two years.

The writing is such a relief and an escape, I wish I could devote more time to it.

A work in progress...43

Had a dream the other night that I was carrying a canvas about the shape and size of a single bed with another bloke, who was insignificant. I was carrying it through the dark alleyways near the home I was brought up in. The alleys were dark and smelly, full of dogshit etc and it seemed like a struggle to get the canvas home. These alleyways feature in the collection of poems I have written and I was obviously revisiting old territory. The canvas represented my art and the labyrinthe of dark, threatening alleys represents the struggle of trying to breakout of such an environment and create something beautiful. When I woke up I had this incredible urge to read Dylan Thomas's In My Craft or Sullen Art, which I think sums up the struggle in us all.

In my craft or sullen art
Exercised in the still night
When only the moon rages
And the lovers lie abed
With all their griefs in their arms,
I labour by singing light
Not for ambition or bread
Or the strut and trade of charms
On the ivory stages
But for the common wages
Of their most secret heart.

Not for the proud man apart
From the raging moon I write
On these spindrift pages
Nor for the towering dead
With their nightingales and psalms
But for the lovers, their arms
Round the griefs of the ages,
Who pay no praise or wages
Nor heed my craft or art.

I've spent all week working on a single paragraph and finally got it this morning. It's a very important paragraph as it's link from the present to the past, but with only a slight feel of shifting time.

The book is going to be bathed in colour, the protagonist is an artist and this is how he views the world. I've been reading lots about the pschology of colour and I have a rich and varied palette to work from.

The house move is back on, if we can come up with the cash. Not sure what the weekend will bring. I hope to watch Clockwork Orange and write. May go to the coast with the kids if the weather stays fine.

A work in progress...42

Valentine's Day came and went with barely any recognition. My daughter made me a card, as did my wife, and I returned the compliments, but other than a token gesture, nothing special.
An air of gllom and despondencey hangs over the house - we've been declned for a mortgage and my son is still ill. It's half-term and everyone's confined to the house. I am glad that I go out to work.

There are other mortgage lenders so we should be able to get one, but it depends how much for. It doesn't look as though we'll be moving into the house we've seen, which belongs to my ex brother in law, and I feel his asking price is too high anyway.

I seemed to have written loads, but not got anywhere. I thought I had cracked the first section, but now I'm not so sure. Still working on it, but the external pressures are starting to affect my writing, work and outlook. I feel like getting away from everyone and everything.

At least I managed to do yoga today, which is a positive. I'm also reading this excellent website from an established writer - her whole book on how to write is on her site and there's some very useful information. http://www.rachelsimon.com/sg_contents.htm

Stephen King is also proving enetertaining, informative and inspirational. Both sources are excellent and are helping me through this rough period.

A work in progress...41

Had a strange weekend. The atmosphere at home was tense and the children were sick. We had planned to go to the imax cinema in London to celebrate my son's sixth birthday, with our friends Al and Elizabeth. But my son came down with the lurgi, the same symptoms that my daughter was suffering from.
My wife has been tending to sick children all week, and was feeling fed up and despondent about not having any income. We're trying to buy a house, but struggling to get a deposit together. All our lives we seem to have been broke and it is wearing us both down. I feel drained by it all and my wife is becoming desperate. I've suggested she sells her handmade cards through ebay, but she can't grasp the concept.
Surprisingly, I got a lot of writing done over the weekend, or at least research. I discovered that the artist Wassily Kandinsky had synaethesia - the ability to see sounds and hear colours. My main character also has this condition, it gives him a unique outlook on life, he's developing into a fascinating character.
I've pretty much nailed the first part of the book and I'm revising the first 10,000 words to send to an agent. It reads really well, is set in the present and the first part deals with the London bombings.
I've been reading Stephen's King's book 'on writing'. I've not really read much of his stuff, but enjoyed the various adaptations of his work to screen. He has a great attititude to the writing process, I'm not really learning anything knew, but his voice is kind of assurance that my writing style is up to scratch. His main tip is listen to the beat, rather than get booged down in all the rules, be free and flowing, yet know when to rein the beast in.

A work in progress...40

I had three days off last week, plus the weekend and hardly wrote anything. My time was mainly taken up by trying to fix my laptop and also seeing a guy about a mortgage. I also did lots of things with the kids over the weekend and managed to clear out a load of junk and take it to the tip.

We're pretty certain we can get a mortgage and by coincidence we maybe buying my wife's ex brother-in-law's place; we went to see it and although fairly small, it has a big loft, a shed with electrics and office space under the stairs. We should be able to get it at a good price and we can just about afford it. This will give us a bit more security and also work out cheaper than renting. We're we are at the moment si really getting us down, and I'm sure it's part of the problem. I'm still trying to work from home, but it's not possible at the moment.

I have managed to do some writing, I'm still concentrating on the first 20,000 words and it is taking shape, very pleased with the results so far. The poetry collection's on hold at the moment as I can't affors to get it printed. It's my son's 6th birthday on Friday, two weeks after my daughter's 8th so it's a very expensive month.

I have started to read Stephen King's On Writing, a book which I have wanted to read for a couple of years. Hopefully it will inspire me further - or at least pick up some tips - as I'm pretty fired up.

Luckily I have an ibook on loan from work, so I'm managing to write on the train. At the moment I'm mainly revising and tweaking stuff and looking at the structure.

My son has been dowloading games from shockwave on the internet - can you believe it? The boy's five years old. I found google desktop download on the desktop. I've threatened to password the computer if he doesn't stop.

Finances are still parlous, mty wife's not really making any money and we have massive overheads. I've managed to wrestle my debts under control and no longer own a credit card. Workinf from home would really help and make a huge difference, I have to keep pushing for it.

A work in progress...39

Had a mad week last week. I had to go to a funeral in York, a conference in St Albans, and meet up with a couple of old pals from Rough Mix, which necessitated staying over in Lewisham on Friday night and getting completely wasted. Olly came over from Holland with a DVD of one of our gigs from 1988, a massive trip down memory lane, interspersed with plenty of Who, Townshend, U2 and Paul Weller. Saturday we had lunch at a pub on Blackheath and celebrated his divorce. It was also Al's 43 birthday, I bought him Pete Townshed Pyschoderelict DVD. I managed to get home Saturday night after being away since Tuesday. It was also press week last week, my busiest time.

I managed to do some writing on the train to and from York and also at the conference hotel. I was also back writing this morning. The writing felt good. I should get time off this week to write some more. I'm aiming to try and get the first section finished and then send it to an agent. Home life is OK, I missed the family while I was away and we're getting on okay. My wife may have a part-time job which is going to help with the mortgage, which is good news.

My brother is giving me his drumkit so I can teach my son Noah how to play. Have to arrange to go and collect them from York.

I have also got Stephen King's On Writing book to read and bought a copy of Clockwork Orange on DVD.

A work in progress...38

Today is my daughter's birthday, and it's exactly a year since I began writing. Through all the trials and tribulations I'm still writing and it's going really well. I find it a pleasure still and I'm pleased with the results so far of the second draft. I feel as though I am writing something original and interesting, I'm really in a groove as I seem to have a definite structure and outline. When I read it back, I can't believe they are my words on the page.
It feels as though I was meant to do this and I'll see it through and have the book published, it is those thoughts that drive me on.

I have also sent my book of poetry to the collection which has also inspired me to continue writing. On the domestic front, things are more settled for the time being, but I can't say what will happen long-term. My priority is to provide security and safety for the children and then look at my relationship with my wife.

Hopefully I'll have a laptop on loan from work which will enable me to catch up with the writing. Enterting a busy period workwise, but should be able to stay focussed.

Still I write, what else can I do?

After all the talk of breaking up, we have decided to stay together - for the time being. My wife's main grief was she needed security for the family etc, and I agree and want to provide that security for them. The problem is that because of a few bad decisions and financial mismanagement on primarily my part we no longer have our own house. We rent at the moment, but really we should have our own place.

I have been working my hardest to try and get the cash together for a deposit, and is one of the reasons behind writing the book. One of the things that drives me is that I believe I will achieve some kind of redemption if it does get published and it may just make enough to buy a house. But primarily I'm writing it for my own sense of achievement and self worth, any financial success is a bonus. But wanting to provide for the family is a driving factor in all this, I work hard at my job, do extra work on a freelance basis etc to try and provide for them.

This crisis has brought up a lot of issues in our relationship and I'm not sure they can be resolved easily. I feel that first I have to somehow get a house, provide some stability then my wife and I can sit down and talk about our future. The rent on the house and my travelling costs are crippling us so I need to do something about reducing our overheads. The ideal scenario is to work from home, which could be an option in the not too distant future. My wife has also decided that her art work is not paying, considering all the time and effort she puts into it. This has been a major problem throughout our relationship, and I have helped and supported her as much as possible, but it just isn't working. She has decided to look for a job and devote all her time to the children.

The writing is still there, but losing the laptop is a major blow, I have to get it replaced as soon as possible. Now I have the desktop it's not so drastic, but the kids like to use it on a weekend, and rightly so, it was bought for them. I find that even if I scribble away on the train by the time I get home and had dinner its 9pm and I'm usually too tired to start writing.

I've just ran a credit check on myself and my record is surprisingly clean so I should be able to get a mortgage - whether it's sufficient to buy a house in the area we live is a different matter. My wife went to Totnes in Devon for the weekend and she thinks we should move down there. It's a new age community, property's fairly cheap and if I could keep my job and work from home I would definitely consider it.

Hoefully going to self publish a collection of poems in the next month, called Shredded Wheat. I'll look at publishing some on the blog.

My first week back has been exhausting as I've been interviewing candidates for the post of editorial assistant. I haven't done much writing and the self imposed deadline of having the book finished by Jan 19 - when I started it last year now looks fanciful. Still I write, what else can I do?

Down the Tube

I write tonight purely for the sake of writing, I feel the need to write, I want to sit and work on the book until the early hours of the morning, but I've had a busy day t work and feel exhausted. I've been interviewing candidates for th vacancy of editorial assistant and feel mentally drained. More interviews are planned tomorrow and the next day. It's the first time I've ever interviewed people for a job, it feels strange being the interviewer and not the interviewee. It was my first day back and there was a Tube strike in London and train fares have gone up 5%.

As if I didn't have enough problems, my laptop is kaput. I thought I was doing the write thing by doing a full system restore as there were problems with the harddrive, but in essence it was working OK, if a little slow. I spent 12 hours on Friday trying to reboot it but it just freezes. I took it into the repair shop and the engineers basically told me it wasn't worth repairing - I could get a new one for the cost of a hardrive. It means i'm goingh to have to spend 500-600 pounds on a new model, after spending 400 pounds on a motherboard in April.

I've also bought a desktop for the family, which I'm going to have to use. I'll have to write on the train in my notebook and type it up at night, but after a 12-hour day working on a computer this is not ideal. I have to get a new laptop so I can continue to work on the train.

I have a bout 20,000 words of the first draft written, I had hope to have 40,000 by the end of the holidays, but due to technical problems and marriage meltdown, it just hasn't been possible.
I need to make more money, to buy a laptop and provide for the family. My wife has finally realised what she does doesn't make money, despite all the time and energy she puts into her artwork and trying to survive on one income is a struggle, especially with our high overheads.

We'ved decided to stay together for the time being. We're going to try and get a house, eg mortgage, and get some security, my wife is looking for a job and I'm trying to get a mortgage. I need to have the kids safe and secure before I think about leaving. In the meantime we're working on the relationship, trying to sort out the problems, but of we get the house and things are still not right between us then I'll move out.

Very frustrated with life, feeling like packing my job in and staying home to write, but it's not possible.

Friends

A couple of good friends have been in touch, offering their support and help, which is comforting. My wife has gone down to Devon for the weekend; we both need a bit of space so I'm at home with the kids. I was going to try and write while I had this time, but it's difficult with so much going on, I feel emotionally and mentally drained.

I'm also rebuilding my laptop so have had to backup work and files, which is a bit of a pain, but it needs to be done, since the motherboard blew up and was replaced it's been very slow.

At the moment I'm listening to Dr John's Seppiana Hericane album. It was recorded as a response to the New Orleans flooding. It's a beautiful soulful blues record, which of course deals with people who have lost everything, homes, loved ones etc and are left with nothing.

Hopeflly I'll get around to doing some work later or over the weekend. Still not sure what's going to happen regarding our future. We re both emotionally drained by it all.

What will be

It's not the best start to the new year, that's for sure. Over the last two or three weeks there's been a lot of soul searching and honesty as we try and work out our relationship. The atmosphere is strained, bue we are still talking and we both still love each other. At times we argue, other times we hug. We both feel confused as we try and work out what to do for the best.

The conclusion we have reached is that it's best for me to move out, so I'm going to look for a place in London. My wife, Christine, definitely needs some space to sort out her own issues with her work and to also step back from our relationship. We have been together for 20 years and it hasn't been easy for both of us, but somehow up until now we have managed to keep things together, but the pressure has taken an intolerable toll on us and there is a mutual feeling that we can't go on as we are any longer.

I take some of the blame for the instability in our relationship, both through my own behaviour, which at times has been pretty abominable, and the fact that in the last eight years we have led an almost nomadic existence as we have moved from country to country with my work.

My job is also stressful and demanding, I'm a production editor on a national newspaper, and with the commute I work long hours, which hasn't helped ths situation. My wife wants to be on her own and devote all her time and energy to the children andI have to respect her decision. She is a wonderful mother and I still will be involved with the kids an see them when I can.

Our separation could only be temporary or it could be permanent, we both don't know quite what will happen. We are both on a journey and at the momet its taking us in different directions. The energy between us is not right and although it's a tough decision to split up, it's better this way than to have the children grow up in a poisoned atmosphere with us arguing or being unhappy.

For me, I have my writing and I'm committed to finishing my book. I see it has my personal redemption, justification for everything I've done and the way I've gone about it. Everything has been leading up to this point, I thought I could do it with my wife, but now I'm going to have to do it on my own.

I also love writing, it's the only occassion where I can be honest with myself. This is my truth, and there's a lot more to come.

My wife and me

My wife and I have decided to split up. Maybe for some readers out there who knows us it will come as a shock, or then again perhaps not. We’ve been together for over 20 years, married for eight and have two children, an eight-year-old daughter and a son, 6. On the surface it looks as though we have a loving and happy relationship and we do; we have a lot in common with each other, share the same interests in many areas and have been an inspiration and each other’s guiding lights. But we’ve been through a lot of shit and trauma in our lives as we struggled to realise our true potential. At times it brought us closer together and on other occasions the pressure has almost tore us apart. The pressures have been primarily financial but we both have unresolved personal issues, there are areas of our relationship which are just not compatible and we have both come to realise they never will be. We both have not been happy for some time, it’s been tough since I came back from Hong Kong two years ago, but we have tried to make it work, but it’s just not happening. We both care about the children and want the best for them but if they can see or sense we’re not happy then it is going to affect them and we don’t want them to see us bickering or arguing or not getting on if we stay together.

The truth is the love has gone, we don’t love each other anymore. There is no passion, excitement or fun in the relationship anymore. We still get on and I think we always will, we’ve been through too much together and there will always remain a strong bond between us. My wife is a very spiritual and compassionate person, is caring a wonderful mother and a talented artist. She is honest and caring and is a wonderful mother to our children. At times I feel I just don’t measure up and in many ways I am her exact opposite. She is also a strong person and is prepared to do things on her own, in her own way. She says life is a journey and we have to be true to the Self. We have come to the end of our journey together and now it is time to part, we both agree and there is no bitterness or anger, a great deal of sadness, but deep down we both realise it is for the best, for both our sakes and the children’s.