A work in progress...39

Had a mad week last week. I had to go to a funeral in York, a conference in St Albans, and meet up with a couple of old pals from Rough Mix, which necessitated staying over in Lewisham on Friday night and getting completely wasted. Olly came over from Holland with a DVD of one of our gigs from 1988, a massive trip down memory lane, interspersed with plenty of Who, Townshend, U2 and Paul Weller. Saturday we had lunch at a pub on Blackheath and celebrated his divorce. It was also Al's 43 birthday, I bought him Pete Townshed Pyschoderelict DVD. I managed to get home Saturday night after being away since Tuesday. It was also press week last week, my busiest time.

I managed to do some writing on the train to and from York and also at the conference hotel. I was also back writing this morning. The writing felt good. I should get time off this week to write some more. I'm aiming to try and get the first section finished and then send it to an agent. Home life is OK, I missed the family while I was away and we're getting on okay. My wife may have a part-time job which is going to help with the mortgage, which is good news.

My brother is giving me his drumkit so I can teach my son Noah how to play. Have to arrange to go and collect them from York.

I have also got Stephen King's On Writing book to read and bought a copy of Clockwork Orange on DVD.

A work in progress...38

Today is my daughter's birthday, and it's exactly a year since I began writing. Through all the trials and tribulations I'm still writing and it's going really well. I find it a pleasure still and I'm pleased with the results so far of the second draft. I feel as though I am writing something original and interesting, I'm really in a groove as I seem to have a definite structure and outline. When I read it back, I can't believe they are my words on the page.
It feels as though I was meant to do this and I'll see it through and have the book published, it is those thoughts that drive me on.

I have also sent my book of poetry to the collection which has also inspired me to continue writing. On the domestic front, things are more settled for the time being, but I can't say what will happen long-term. My priority is to provide security and safety for the children and then look at my relationship with my wife.

Hopefully I'll have a laptop on loan from work which will enable me to catch up with the writing. Enterting a busy period workwise, but should be able to stay focussed.

Still I write, what else can I do?

After all the talk of breaking up, we have decided to stay together - for the time being. My wife's main grief was she needed security for the family etc, and I agree and want to provide that security for them. The problem is that because of a few bad decisions and financial mismanagement on primarily my part we no longer have our own house. We rent at the moment, but really we should have our own place.

I have been working my hardest to try and get the cash together for a deposit, and is one of the reasons behind writing the book. One of the things that drives me is that I believe I will achieve some kind of redemption if it does get published and it may just make enough to buy a house. But primarily I'm writing it for my own sense of achievement and self worth, any financial success is a bonus. But wanting to provide for the family is a driving factor in all this, I work hard at my job, do extra work on a freelance basis etc to try and provide for them.

This crisis has brought up a lot of issues in our relationship and I'm not sure they can be resolved easily. I feel that first I have to somehow get a house, provide some stability then my wife and I can sit down and talk about our future. The rent on the house and my travelling costs are crippling us so I need to do something about reducing our overheads. The ideal scenario is to work from home, which could be an option in the not too distant future. My wife has also decided that her art work is not paying, considering all the time and effort she puts into it. This has been a major problem throughout our relationship, and I have helped and supported her as much as possible, but it just isn't working. She has decided to look for a job and devote all her time to the children.

The writing is still there, but losing the laptop is a major blow, I have to get it replaced as soon as possible. Now I have the desktop it's not so drastic, but the kids like to use it on a weekend, and rightly so, it was bought for them. I find that even if I scribble away on the train by the time I get home and had dinner its 9pm and I'm usually too tired to start writing.

I've just ran a credit check on myself and my record is surprisingly clean so I should be able to get a mortgage - whether it's sufficient to buy a house in the area we live is a different matter. My wife went to Totnes in Devon for the weekend and she thinks we should move down there. It's a new age community, property's fairly cheap and if I could keep my job and work from home I would definitely consider it.

Hoefully going to self publish a collection of poems in the next month, called Shredded Wheat. I'll look at publishing some on the blog.

My first week back has been exhausting as I've been interviewing candidates for the post of editorial assistant. I haven't done much writing and the self imposed deadline of having the book finished by Jan 19 - when I started it last year now looks fanciful. Still I write, what else can I do?

Down the Tube

I write tonight purely for the sake of writing, I feel the need to write, I want to sit and work on the book until the early hours of the morning, but I've had a busy day t work and feel exhausted. I've been interviewing candidates for th vacancy of editorial assistant and feel mentally drained. More interviews are planned tomorrow and the next day. It's the first time I've ever interviewed people for a job, it feels strange being the interviewer and not the interviewee. It was my first day back and there was a Tube strike in London and train fares have gone up 5%.

As if I didn't have enough problems, my laptop is kaput. I thought I was doing the write thing by doing a full system restore as there were problems with the harddrive, but in essence it was working OK, if a little slow. I spent 12 hours on Friday trying to reboot it but it just freezes. I took it into the repair shop and the engineers basically told me it wasn't worth repairing - I could get a new one for the cost of a hardrive. It means i'm goingh to have to spend 500-600 pounds on a new model, after spending 400 pounds on a motherboard in April.

I've also bought a desktop for the family, which I'm going to have to use. I'll have to write on the train in my notebook and type it up at night, but after a 12-hour day working on a computer this is not ideal. I have to get a new laptop so I can continue to work on the train.

I have a bout 20,000 words of the first draft written, I had hope to have 40,000 by the end of the holidays, but due to technical problems and marriage meltdown, it just hasn't been possible.
I need to make more money, to buy a laptop and provide for the family. My wife has finally realised what she does doesn't make money, despite all the time and energy she puts into her artwork and trying to survive on one income is a struggle, especially with our high overheads.

We'ved decided to stay together for the time being. We're going to try and get a house, eg mortgage, and get some security, my wife is looking for a job and I'm trying to get a mortgage. I need to have the kids safe and secure before I think about leaving. In the meantime we're working on the relationship, trying to sort out the problems, but of we get the house and things are still not right between us then I'll move out.

Very frustrated with life, feeling like packing my job in and staying home to write, but it's not possible.

Friends

A couple of good friends have been in touch, offering their support and help, which is comforting. My wife has gone down to Devon for the weekend; we both need a bit of space so I'm at home with the kids. I was going to try and write while I had this time, but it's difficult with so much going on, I feel emotionally and mentally drained.

I'm also rebuilding my laptop so have had to backup work and files, which is a bit of a pain, but it needs to be done, since the motherboard blew up and was replaced it's been very slow.

At the moment I'm listening to Dr John's Seppiana Hericane album. It was recorded as a response to the New Orleans flooding. It's a beautiful soulful blues record, which of course deals with people who have lost everything, homes, loved ones etc and are left with nothing.

Hopeflly I'll get around to doing some work later or over the weekend. Still not sure what's going to happen regarding our future. We re both emotionally drained by it all.

What will be

It's not the best start to the new year, that's for sure. Over the last two or three weeks there's been a lot of soul searching and honesty as we try and work out our relationship. The atmosphere is strained, bue we are still talking and we both still love each other. At times we argue, other times we hug. We both feel confused as we try and work out what to do for the best.

The conclusion we have reached is that it's best for me to move out, so I'm going to look for a place in London. My wife, Christine, definitely needs some space to sort out her own issues with her work and to also step back from our relationship. We have been together for 20 years and it hasn't been easy for both of us, but somehow up until now we have managed to keep things together, but the pressure has taken an intolerable toll on us and there is a mutual feeling that we can't go on as we are any longer.

I take some of the blame for the instability in our relationship, both through my own behaviour, which at times has been pretty abominable, and the fact that in the last eight years we have led an almost nomadic existence as we have moved from country to country with my work.

My job is also stressful and demanding, I'm a production editor on a national newspaper, and with the commute I work long hours, which hasn't helped ths situation. My wife wants to be on her own and devote all her time and energy to the children andI have to respect her decision. She is a wonderful mother and I still will be involved with the kids an see them when I can.

Our separation could only be temporary or it could be permanent, we both don't know quite what will happen. We are both on a journey and at the momet its taking us in different directions. The energy between us is not right and although it's a tough decision to split up, it's better this way than to have the children grow up in a poisoned atmosphere with us arguing or being unhappy.

For me, I have my writing and I'm committed to finishing my book. I see it has my personal redemption, justification for everything I've done and the way I've gone about it. Everything has been leading up to this point, I thought I could do it with my wife, but now I'm going to have to do it on my own.

I also love writing, it's the only occassion where I can be honest with myself. This is my truth, and there's a lot more to come.

My wife and me

My wife and I have decided to split up. Maybe for some readers out there who knows us it will come as a shock, or then again perhaps not. We’ve been together for over 20 years, married for eight and have two children, an eight-year-old daughter and a son, 6. On the surface it looks as though we have a loving and happy relationship and we do; we have a lot in common with each other, share the same interests in many areas and have been an inspiration and each other’s guiding lights. But we’ve been through a lot of shit and trauma in our lives as we struggled to realise our true potential. At times it brought us closer together and on other occasions the pressure has almost tore us apart. The pressures have been primarily financial but we both have unresolved personal issues, there are areas of our relationship which are just not compatible and we have both come to realise they never will be. We both have not been happy for some time, it’s been tough since I came back from Hong Kong two years ago, but we have tried to make it work, but it’s just not happening. We both care about the children and want the best for them but if they can see or sense we’re not happy then it is going to affect them and we don’t want them to see us bickering or arguing or not getting on if we stay together.

The truth is the love has gone, we don’t love each other anymore. There is no passion, excitement or fun in the relationship anymore. We still get on and I think we always will, we’ve been through too much together and there will always remain a strong bond between us. My wife is a very spiritual and compassionate person, is caring a wonderful mother and a talented artist. She is honest and caring and is a wonderful mother to our children. At times I feel I just don’t measure up and in many ways I am her exact opposite. She is also a strong person and is prepared to do things on her own, in her own way. She says life is a journey and we have to be true to the Self. We have come to the end of our journey together and now it is time to part, we both agree and there is no bitterness or anger, a great deal of sadness, but deep down we both realise it is for the best, for both our sakes and the children’s.