What will be

It's not the best start to the new year, that's for sure. Over the last two or three weeks there's been a lot of soul searching and honesty as we try and work out our relationship. The atmosphere is strained, bue we are still talking and we both still love each other. At times we argue, other times we hug. We both feel confused as we try and work out what to do for the best.

The conclusion we have reached is that it's best for me to move out, so I'm going to look for a place in London. My wife, Christine, definitely needs some space to sort out her own issues with her work and to also step back from our relationship. We have been together for 20 years and it hasn't been easy for both of us, but somehow up until now we have managed to keep things together, but the pressure has taken an intolerable toll on us and there is a mutual feeling that we can't go on as we are any longer.

I take some of the blame for the instability in our relationship, both through my own behaviour, which at times has been pretty abominable, and the fact that in the last eight years we have led an almost nomadic existence as we have moved from country to country with my work.

My job is also stressful and demanding, I'm a production editor on a national newspaper, and with the commute I work long hours, which hasn't helped ths situation. My wife wants to be on her own and devote all her time and energy to the children andI have to respect her decision. She is a wonderful mother and I still will be involved with the kids an see them when I can.

Our separation could only be temporary or it could be permanent, we both don't know quite what will happen. We are both on a journey and at the momet its taking us in different directions. The energy between us is not right and although it's a tough decision to split up, it's better this way than to have the children grow up in a poisoned atmosphere with us arguing or being unhappy.

For me, I have my writing and I'm committed to finishing my book. I see it has my personal redemption, justification for everything I've done and the way I've gone about it. Everything has been leading up to this point, I thought I could do it with my wife, but now I'm going to have to do it on my own.

I also love writing, it's the only occassion where I can be honest with myself. This is my truth, and there's a lot more to come.