A work in progress...39

Had a mad week last week. I had to go to a funeral in York, a conference in St Albans, and meet up with a couple of old pals from Rough Mix, which necessitated staying over in Lewisham on Friday night and getting completely wasted. Olly came over from Holland with a DVD of one of our gigs from 1988, a massive trip down memory lane, interspersed with plenty of Who, Townshend, U2 and Paul Weller. Saturday we had lunch at a pub on Blackheath and celebrated his divorce. It was also Al's 43 birthday, I bought him Pete Townshed Pyschoderelict DVD. I managed to get home Saturday night after being away since Tuesday. It was also press week last week, my busiest time.

I managed to do some writing on the train to and from York and also at the conference hotel. I was also back writing this morning. The writing felt good. I should get time off this week to write some more. I'm aiming to try and get the first section finished and then send it to an agent. Home life is OK, I missed the family while I was away and we're getting on okay. My wife may have a part-time job which is going to help with the mortgage, which is good news.

My brother is giving me his drumkit so I can teach my son Noah how to play. Have to arrange to go and collect them from York.

I have also got Stephen King's On Writing book to read and bought a copy of Clockwork Orange on DVD.

A work in progress...38

Today is my daughter's birthday, and it's exactly a year since I began writing. Through all the trials and tribulations I'm still writing and it's going really well. I find it a pleasure still and I'm pleased with the results so far of the second draft. I feel as though I am writing something original and interesting, I'm really in a groove as I seem to have a definite structure and outline. When I read it back, I can't believe they are my words on the page.
It feels as though I was meant to do this and I'll see it through and have the book published, it is those thoughts that drive me on.

I have also sent my book of poetry to the collection which has also inspired me to continue writing. On the domestic front, things are more settled for the time being, but I can't say what will happen long-term. My priority is to provide security and safety for the children and then look at my relationship with my wife.

Hopefully I'll have a laptop on loan from work which will enable me to catch up with the writing. Enterting a busy period workwise, but should be able to stay focussed.

Still I write, what else can I do?

After all the talk of breaking up, we have decided to stay together - for the time being. My wife's main grief was she needed security for the family etc, and I agree and want to provide that security for them. The problem is that because of a few bad decisions and financial mismanagement on primarily my part we no longer have our own house. We rent at the moment, but really we should have our own place.

I have been working my hardest to try and get the cash together for a deposit, and is one of the reasons behind writing the book. One of the things that drives me is that I believe I will achieve some kind of redemption if it does get published and it may just make enough to buy a house. But primarily I'm writing it for my own sense of achievement and self worth, any financial success is a bonus. But wanting to provide for the family is a driving factor in all this, I work hard at my job, do extra work on a freelance basis etc to try and provide for them.

This crisis has brought up a lot of issues in our relationship and I'm not sure they can be resolved easily. I feel that first I have to somehow get a house, provide some stability then my wife and I can sit down and talk about our future. The rent on the house and my travelling costs are crippling us so I need to do something about reducing our overheads. The ideal scenario is to work from home, which could be an option in the not too distant future. My wife has also decided that her art work is not paying, considering all the time and effort she puts into it. This has been a major problem throughout our relationship, and I have helped and supported her as much as possible, but it just isn't working. She has decided to look for a job and devote all her time to the children.

The writing is still there, but losing the laptop is a major blow, I have to get it replaced as soon as possible. Now I have the desktop it's not so drastic, but the kids like to use it on a weekend, and rightly so, it was bought for them. I find that even if I scribble away on the train by the time I get home and had dinner its 9pm and I'm usually too tired to start writing.

I've just ran a credit check on myself and my record is surprisingly clean so I should be able to get a mortgage - whether it's sufficient to buy a house in the area we live is a different matter. My wife went to Totnes in Devon for the weekend and she thinks we should move down there. It's a new age community, property's fairly cheap and if I could keep my job and work from home I would definitely consider it.

Hoefully going to self publish a collection of poems in the next month, called Shredded Wheat. I'll look at publishing some on the blog.

My first week back has been exhausting as I've been interviewing candidates for the post of editorial assistant. I haven't done much writing and the self imposed deadline of having the book finished by Jan 19 - when I started it last year now looks fanciful. Still I write, what else can I do?

Down the Tube

I write tonight purely for the sake of writing, I feel the need to write, I want to sit and work on the book until the early hours of the morning, but I've had a busy day t work and feel exhausted. I've been interviewing candidates for th vacancy of editorial assistant and feel mentally drained. More interviews are planned tomorrow and the next day. It's the first time I've ever interviewed people for a job, it feels strange being the interviewer and not the interviewee. It was my first day back and there was a Tube strike in London and train fares have gone up 5%.

As if I didn't have enough problems, my laptop is kaput. I thought I was doing the write thing by doing a full system restore as there were problems with the harddrive, but in essence it was working OK, if a little slow. I spent 12 hours on Friday trying to reboot it but it just freezes. I took it into the repair shop and the engineers basically told me it wasn't worth repairing - I could get a new one for the cost of a hardrive. It means i'm goingh to have to spend 500-600 pounds on a new model, after spending 400 pounds on a motherboard in April.

I've also bought a desktop for the family, which I'm going to have to use. I'll have to write on the train in my notebook and type it up at night, but after a 12-hour day working on a computer this is not ideal. I have to get a new laptop so I can continue to work on the train.

I have a bout 20,000 words of the first draft written, I had hope to have 40,000 by the end of the holidays, but due to technical problems and marriage meltdown, it just hasn't been possible.
I need to make more money, to buy a laptop and provide for the family. My wife has finally realised what she does doesn't make money, despite all the time and energy she puts into her artwork and trying to survive on one income is a struggle, especially with our high overheads.

We'ved decided to stay together for the time being. We're going to try and get a house, eg mortgage, and get some security, my wife is looking for a job and I'm trying to get a mortgage. I need to have the kids safe and secure before I think about leaving. In the meantime we're working on the relationship, trying to sort out the problems, but of we get the house and things are still not right between us then I'll move out.

Very frustrated with life, feeling like packing my job in and staying home to write, but it's not possible.

Friends

A couple of good friends have been in touch, offering their support and help, which is comforting. My wife has gone down to Devon for the weekend; we both need a bit of space so I'm at home with the kids. I was going to try and write while I had this time, but it's difficult with so much going on, I feel emotionally and mentally drained.

I'm also rebuilding my laptop so have had to backup work and files, which is a bit of a pain, but it needs to be done, since the motherboard blew up and was replaced it's been very slow.

At the moment I'm listening to Dr John's Seppiana Hericane album. It was recorded as a response to the New Orleans flooding. It's a beautiful soulful blues record, which of course deals with people who have lost everything, homes, loved ones etc and are left with nothing.

Hopeflly I'll get around to doing some work later or over the weekend. Still not sure what's going to happen regarding our future. We re both emotionally drained by it all.

What will be

It's not the best start to the new year, that's for sure. Over the last two or three weeks there's been a lot of soul searching and honesty as we try and work out our relationship. The atmosphere is strained, bue we are still talking and we both still love each other. At times we argue, other times we hug. We both feel confused as we try and work out what to do for the best.

The conclusion we have reached is that it's best for me to move out, so I'm going to look for a place in London. My wife, Christine, definitely needs some space to sort out her own issues with her work and to also step back from our relationship. We have been together for 20 years and it hasn't been easy for both of us, but somehow up until now we have managed to keep things together, but the pressure has taken an intolerable toll on us and there is a mutual feeling that we can't go on as we are any longer.

I take some of the blame for the instability in our relationship, both through my own behaviour, which at times has been pretty abominable, and the fact that in the last eight years we have led an almost nomadic existence as we have moved from country to country with my work.

My job is also stressful and demanding, I'm a production editor on a national newspaper, and with the commute I work long hours, which hasn't helped ths situation. My wife wants to be on her own and devote all her time and energy to the children andI have to respect her decision. She is a wonderful mother and I still will be involved with the kids an see them when I can.

Our separation could only be temporary or it could be permanent, we both don't know quite what will happen. We are both on a journey and at the momet its taking us in different directions. The energy between us is not right and although it's a tough decision to split up, it's better this way than to have the children grow up in a poisoned atmosphere with us arguing or being unhappy.

For me, I have my writing and I'm committed to finishing my book. I see it has my personal redemption, justification for everything I've done and the way I've gone about it. Everything has been leading up to this point, I thought I could do it with my wife, but now I'm going to have to do it on my own.

I also love writing, it's the only occassion where I can be honest with myself. This is my truth, and there's a lot more to come.

My wife and me

My wife and I have decided to split up. Maybe for some readers out there who knows us it will come as a shock, or then again perhaps not. We’ve been together for over 20 years, married for eight and have two children, an eight-year-old daughter and a son, 6. On the surface it looks as though we have a loving and happy relationship and we do; we have a lot in common with each other, share the same interests in many areas and have been an inspiration and each other’s guiding lights. But we’ve been through a lot of shit and trauma in our lives as we struggled to realise our true potential. At times it brought us closer together and on other occasions the pressure has almost tore us apart. The pressures have been primarily financial but we both have unresolved personal issues, there are areas of our relationship which are just not compatible and we have both come to realise they never will be. We both have not been happy for some time, it’s been tough since I came back from Hong Kong two years ago, but we have tried to make it work, but it’s just not happening. We both care about the children and want the best for them but if they can see or sense we’re not happy then it is going to affect them and we don’t want them to see us bickering or arguing or not getting on if we stay together.

The truth is the love has gone, we don’t love each other anymore. There is no passion, excitement or fun in the relationship anymore. We still get on and I think we always will, we’ve been through too much together and there will always remain a strong bond between us. My wife is a very spiritual and compassionate person, is caring a wonderful mother and a talented artist. She is honest and caring and is a wonderful mother to our children. At times I feel I just don’t measure up and in many ways I am her exact opposite. She is also a strong person and is prepared to do things on her own, in her own way. She says life is a journey and we have to be true to the Self. We have come to the end of our journey together and now it is time to part, we both agree and there is no bitterness or anger, a great deal of sadness, but deep down we both realise it is for the best, for both our sakes and the children’s.

A work in progress...37

I checked one of my previous blogs. I started the new draft on November 28 and I've already written 15,000 words. I'm aiming to wite it in three sections of roughly 20,000 so hopefully I can get the first part finished over the weekend.

I want to get a second draft written by Jan 19, my daughter's birthday, and the day I actually started writing the book. I have lots of time off over Christmas, but whether I'll get time to write is a different matter.

The characters are really developing, Nat, the main character's girlfriend is holding the structure together, just as she holds him together. The narrative seems pacey and jumps about but to me anyway seems coherent.

Busy at work, two weeks to go before I finish for Christmas.

Had a couple of quotes in for the printing of the poetry collection. Will launch it after Christmas.

A work in progress...36

Had a good weekend writing, seem to do lots. My wife was busy and went out saturday night so I spent the whole evening writing, instead of watching a movie.

The kids were great. Did lots of stuff with them during the days, including checking out the local library and starring in a christmas play that me daughter wrote.

I took them to a soft ballpark for lunch yesterday and managed to read the papers, my wife was at the cafe/gallery. She sold a painting for £280, which is a bonus. The new desktop computer arrived on saturday, which I've hid until Christmas.

Every time I get my laptop out to work the kids want to commandeer it to play spongebob square pants games. Listened to to some cool modern jazz, ambient techno and Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! over the weekend, courtesy of my friend James, the DJ.

Everything's dropping into place with the novel, the new style suits my style, I'm trying to get the first part written by next weekend - it's going to be in three chunks of 20,000 words. Up to about 12,000, the narrative really moves, the plots jumps around a bit, but that's intentional, the two characters hold it together. I'm having fun writing in a woman's voice, and I believe it works.

Manically busy at work, three deadlines to meet, but feel energised. Lot's of Christmas parties coming up as well, which maybe a distraction.

Watched Life Acquatic, which was a disappointment, turned it off after an hour.

A work in progress...35

The writing's going very well, almost up to 10,000 of the re-write and it seems much more fluid and natural.

Feeling better energy wise, I did yoga yesterday and had a couple of early nights and have not drunk much over the past weeks. Also got some echinacea to boost my immune system, I can't afford to be off this month, it's going to be very busy at work with three deadlines before Christmas. It should be a good month moneywise, which is a relief.

Christine hurt her back and has been in bed for two days, kids playing up a bit.

I'm getting costs on printing for my poetry collection. Will organise a reading/launch at Art & Soul in Andover and the poetry cafe in London early next year. Might ask Al if he wants to play a few tunes, would be good to find a DJ to play some backing tracks.

May also sell an electronic version of the collection, which is called, Shredded Wheat, through the blog. In a way the poetry has given me my voice, all the poems were written while I was in HK, so all I had to do was edit them and design the booklet. It was a very satisfying side project.

I can't believe I've kept going with the book. I could have easily had a block on it, but feel as though now I have really broken through a barrier.

A work in progress...34

I feel like devoting all my time to the book, but it's just not possible. It's been a busy month/year and I'm beginning to feel exhausted.

I tell everyone that I've finished the first draft of my novel and proudly proclaim that I've written 80,000 words. In truth I abandoned it, but the new version is really taking shape, written in the first person and it seems so fluid. I'm using most of the material in the first draft and re-writing it in the new style.

I'm going to aim to keep it short, the book I have in mind is Kerouac's The Subtarraneans, which I read many years ago. It's about his brief, intense relationship with a girl. I'm still reading Joyce and revisiting The Wasteland.

I've written 6,000 words of the new draft, I wanted to spend the weekend wrtiting, but I was exhausted and the children were all poorly, as well as my wife. I ended up baking Denis The Menace buns and a groovy chick cake on Sunday, such is life.

Got a very busy December then I have two weeks off over Christmas. The kids are getting a desktop computer for Christmas, which I hope will free up my laptop on a weekend.

I'm trying to get a second draft of 60,000 words written by Jan 19, the day I started the book.

I have also edited a collection of poetry which I'm going to publish in the new year.

I want to write more, but I'm feeling drained. It's been a tough year.

A work in progress...33

I can't believe a month has almost passed since my last blog.

I had a nasty viral infection which laid me low for about a week, and then there were deadlines at work etc so not much time or inclination to write. I even stopped work on the book. I was getting terribly confused and have been trying to figure out where it was going. I didn't write anything for about a week but I didn't abandon it all together.

Joyce's Ulysses has really opened things up for me and has shown me the way. I have written 77,000 words and could easily go on, but I re-read the completed opening chapters and decided it was not what I wanted to write. I have decided to change the voice and tone of the novel, keeping the characters and most of the narrative and scenarios, but writing it in the first person. I want it to be a spontaneous piece of prose that the reader simply can't put down. I'm going to go back to Jack Kerouac's The Subtarraneans has an influence. This was quite short, focused on a relationship and was intense. I remember reading it pretty much in one go.

I'm also using some ot the techniques of Joyce and Elliot. I'm looking at the book as one long poem, I don't care about the structure, in this respect it may have the feel of DJ mix, I'm sampling all sorts of stuff, lots of references, but most importantly it's going to be original.

Feeling very excited. I have already started rewriting, I'm going to really go for it, not bother about word counts - it may make only 40,000 words, I don't care. I have pretty much done all the hard work, I have fleshed out the characters, kind of know what works and what doesn't, so it's really down to me.

Money has been a big problem, I'm earning a good wage but it doesn't seem to be enough to support a family of four. This has caused some depression, at times I feel like giving in, why bother? But at the end of the day I do love writing. I am goping to get there, I can feel it, I know it.

A work in progress...32

I keep reciting TS Eliot's The Wasteland.

Started to read Ulysses, still ploughing through the introduction, but like the idea of the book as one long poem. Also read a story in The Guardian about Tristram Shandy. Sounds like Sterne used some of the methods incorporated by Mark Z Danilewski in House of Leaves: ie little typographical flourishes and bland pages or black pages and chapters randomly pasted in. I must get a copy, maybe read it after Ulysses.

Had a dream last night that I found a picture in a book, someone's life story, the picture was of a party and there was my wife and I in our younger days, looking happy and carefree.

The writing is still going well, I write almost everyday, and I still enjoy it. I'm dealing with a lot of father/son issues as I delve into the character's [Nat] past. Very difficult to get the tone right, but it's getting there.

Also been thinking of Samuel Beckett's Godot.

It's so hard to find the right voice, and keep the belief going.

A work in progress...31

I finished The House Of Leaves by Mark Z Danielewski last week. When I finally got to the end it was a relief, never has a book demanded so much of me. It was almost harder reading it than writing my own. I enjoyed it more for its style, the prose was incredibly inventive and it has inspired me to think differently about my own writing.

I am now reading Ulysses. The book has been sat on my bookshelf untouched for 12 years. I am hoping it will provide me with more inspiration and give me some kind of steer on my own book.

Managed to do a bit of writing at the weekend, but not much. Writing in the first person still and up to almost 75,000 words. At times I feel like abandoning the whole thing, as I'm not clear on where its going and if i can pull it off. But I am perservering, I write mostly on the train and that daily input is crucial as it keeps the momentum going and the word count ticking over. Even if I write 100,000 words of a first draft and edit it down to 50,000 I would be happy.

The title for my book is The Vitruvian Man.

A work in progress...30

My friend Jenny the successful writer has got back to me with comments about the three chapters I sent her.

On the whole she thought it was good, she liked the opening and the main character. She did however criticise the detail, or over use of detail and thought it was weighing down the narrative. She also liked the evocation of smells and iconic imagery, which was good.

It proves I can write, which is also encouraging.

Her comments were particularly interesting and I'm going to take them on board. I was afraid that my prose may come over pedestarian or plodding, after so many years in journalism, and was consciously trying to make it come alive with detail. I may hav gone overboard a bit with the similies. This is not a problem, as they come quite easily, literally one after the other, which I try and avoid. I just love writing and the richness of writing but maybe I should try and be more controlled. It's finding that fine line between being boring and non-descriptive and imaginative, while keeping the narrative going.

I feel as though it's quite pacey at the moment so if I edited it down further I may find that medium. At the moment I'm just writing, writing writing, trying to get it all down. It's all over the place at the moment, and I've started to write in the first person, so it's very confusing, but I'm still focused on the main plotline but really just want to get the foundations up and write 80,000+ words.

A work in progress...29

Too many distractions. Too Many ideas.

I seem to be losing my way with the book, I've got to 70,000 words, but it's all a muddle with no coherent narrative or voice. I've scrapped the idea of publishing or editing it online, although I may publish bits on this blog. I'm getting confused by striving to make the writing original and not conform to the traditional structure of a novel. I havew been hugely influenced by Mark Z Danielewski's House of Leaves, but trying to emulate such a work is way beyond my capabilites. I do however think the influence of DJs and film editors is one to follow, and I'm going to try and blend all the stories into one mix and create a dynamic read.

I have the rest of the week off and I'm going to get my writing pants on and get the bloody thing finished. I also have lots of feature ideas that I'm working on for the newspaper, some are interesting and will be fun to do. I also need the cash, as ever.

I wish I could sit all day and just write, but unfortunatley I have to work, having said that I have a cool job which at least doesn't take all my time and energy.

Once I have some semblance of order I'm going to start talking about the book more and psoting sections, I feel as though I need feedback.

A work in progress...28

I managed to find a new Moleskine notebook after a trawl around London's West End on Friday. Finances are particularly bad again this month so can't afford a richie hawtin CD, but got a download off the internet. I didn't do much writing over the weekend, just didn't have any energy. Hung out with the kids, read the papers and watched a couple of movies.
Wrote some more first-person stuff on the train this morning. Trying to work out a rhythm and ending for the book.
Got excited about writing in the moleskine, little things like that inspire me. I want to fill it full of beautiful poetry and prose. I write with an auto pencil, and it feels so natural and organic. I have two days off work this week and maybe the weekend to write. I'm going to try and write another 10,000 words and aim to tie up all the loose ends and then get down to work on editing it.

A work in progress...27

Block Island

Got a travel story published on the Guardian website on Wednesday. It's on Block Island, I wrote it last year when I visted the Newport Jazz festival, also for The Guardian. Click on "Block Island" above to check out the link.

I need a new Moleskine. Going to leave work early and go in to central London. The magazine has gone to press so I'm going to get a bit more time in the next couple of weeks to write. I'm going to try and buy Richie Hawtin's Decks EFX and 909 album and maybe use it as a template for the structure of my book.

I'm definitely going to change the voice to the first person and am seriously considering editing it 'live' online, through a blog. I like the idea of fluidity and the greater freedom it will give me. I'm also intrigued as to what feedback I'll get if any.

Stayed over in London at Al's last night. Got completely wasted, listening to live tapes of the band we once played in, called Rough Mix. See the link below "Rough Mix" for more on that part of my life.

Rough Mix

A work in progress...26

Written almost 70,000 words of the first draft.

I've made two major decisions. I'm going to change the voice and write in the first person, instead of third. It suits my style. I played around with an opening paragraph and it worked, I felt much more at ease and it sounded more spontaneous. I re-wrote a section about the London bombings; whereas before it sounded like a plodding news report, now it is much more abstract and poetic. It was intensely liberating, the words just flowed and if felt very comfortable.

I have been feeling that my writing was going down a cul-de-sac. Almost 70,000 words and still no idea of how the book is going to end. I've been trying to write to a formula which is not my style.

I'm going to abandon the book format and explore writing it as a blog, in short sharp bursts maybe with links to other characters. I'm going to keep the plot, storyline and characters, but I hope that by writing for a different format I'll be free of convention. I feel very excited. The results will be immediate, I don't know how it's going to go, I'm exploring all possibilities.

The Last Waltz

Watched this film last night on TV. I first watched it as a 17-year-old; living at home on the dole, wondering what I was going to do with my life. Neil Young's Helpless perfectly expressed my state of mind. Bob Dylan came on and sang Forever Young and I Will Be Released. I remember thinking at the time how cool he looked and his music reached out to me, gave me hope - just as it does now 25 years later. As I watched it again, I saw the film in a different light, I could appreciate Scorsese's filming - I doubt if I'd even heard of him first time around; maybe, as I saw Taxi Driver quite early on and was aware of Mean Streets. Joni Mitchell looked like a Goddess, Neil was Neil, Van the man was a dude as was Dr John. These dudes probably looked ancient to my teenage perceptions, now they looked all so young. Although I did go on to achieve lots of things in my life - I played jazz in Austria, became a journalist, travelled, played in bands - I still had the same feelings of frustration last night as I remember experiencing all those years ago. It seems the only thing that has changed since then is that now I have two children and I know who Lawrence Ferlinghetti is - he came on stage and read a poem. I'm still searching, but for what I don't know, I've achieved everything I wanted to, apart from be a writer, which is why I'm writing this blog and why finally, finally, I am writing a book. This must be my destiny, because why else would I do it? I should be enjoying life; I have got the house and car, wife and kids; it's a Sunday, I should be out doing the gardening, D I Y-ing, looks like dying? Instead I write. I Love my wife and kids, that's not an issue...they are my inspiration.

In 25 years time I will be 67. I wonder if I'll revist The Last Waltz again and look back at where I was at.